Mattering - a term I never heard but at 79, it brought to mind it's perhaps even greater importance today than it was thru out my professional career. The positions I enjoyed most were the ones where it felt like my contributions made a difference, not so much to the company but to my colleagues and clients. Move ahead to today and it's still the same. The difference is it's moved from my professional life to my social network and family. Finding people that matter to me today is absolutely essential for a healthy past decade or two
Holden, I appreciate the question. How do you enjoy spending time when not working? There are surely others who have the same interests. Some activities are more social than others. For example, I like to surf, play tennis, go to book readings and movies, and shoot guns at the range. But surfing and book readings and movies aren’t amenable to meeting new people. Tennis is, but you have to try to be social. At the range, everyone wants to talk, about what they’re shooting and what you’re shooting, so it’s rather social. So you have to think about where the social vectors in your hobbies and interests may be.
Holden, I read your initial comment and thought about it for a bit. Social hobbies are great and important, but I'm glad you mentioned volunteering. Putting your years of skills and experience into service of others can help with the need to matter, especially once you retire.
Yes, well said, Laura. Even if you volunteer at something you're not particularly expert at, if it moves your heart, you're "mattering." I did not grow up volunteering, but when I did volunteer work as an adult, I finally understood why people who did grow up with a family volunteering culture actively seek it out as adults: the indelible, incredible and powerful need to matter, and help people in need.
So much to unpack. “Mattering matters”, thank you for saying so! As for “how to be old without being repulsive, needy, costly, or pathetic”—yikes! I’m trying, but I have no intention of going quietly or gracefully. Thank you for sharing the charming and memorable details of your family adventure—it was a joy to read.
Your 3-generation adventure looks to have been amazing. I'm really happy for you that you had such a great opportunity. "About halfway through the trip, over beers one afternoon, we played a game where we imitated each other doing what annoyed us most about the other. My daughter joined in the fun. It was laugh-out-loud hilarious, and it was the steam valve we each need to trundle on together for another 10 days." Wondering how many beers my little friend E had while you played this game? :)
You might get both father and son of-the-year for this trip ... that's an impressive two-fer!
John, yes, this 3-generation Europe experience was a very special 18 days. I'm grateful for the time with my mom and my daughter, of course, but equally, that they got to spend so much time together (and, indeed, wanted to spend that much time together.) Worth all the logistical work and daily trip-guiding, etc. x100.
Love this articulation of the “mattering” concept. I've known this for some time instinctually and, being a bit younger than “old”, tend to give the opportunity to “matter” to my parents and their generation. Advice, help, instead of ght, whatever. Never pandering, more just realizing that what they bring to the party can be less obvious in our youth focused culture, but if you seek it out you have a bit of a cheat code.
Paul, thank you very much for this post. It reminded me of three vacation trips that me, my wife and our two daughters had with my parents in South Germany, Austria, Switzerland but also Toskania in Italy and French Provance. I must say I have never seen them so happy although naturally we had also some “difficult times” during our trips. But that were the peanuts. I love the part you wrote on mattering and we should remind ourselves about its importance as often as possible. Great piece on patriotism with which I couldn’t agree more. I must say I am very much down after the result of presidential election that we had in early June in Poland. What you have written resonates with me a lot. I am curious to know how your Mom reacted to visiting the city where she was born. Does the house she lived in still exist? Did she meet any of her peers?
Dariusz, thank you for your thoughtful comment. My post resonates with you, and your comment resonates with me, on multiple personal and political levels. My mom had first revisited her hometown 30 years ago (not with us along) so this was not the first time since she left as an eight year-old girl with her parents. She said she did not feel sentimental at all this time, for that reason. We visited the streets, the building, and walked up the stairs to the apartment door where she lived back then. She said she really had no interest in exploring the town because she felt as if she knew the neighborhood, from all those years ago. The old town is still old, it hasn't been recast and overdone, so there's a lot of old wood, old signs and old buildings that make it feel like it's straight out of the pre-war era.
Maybe you’re not old enough to remember the old dodge power wagon line, but Dodges power wagon goes back to 1945. Civilian adapted WC military truck (pick up).
Indeed I am not. I suspect the marketing of the power wagons of yesteryear, in both perception and intent, was different then. But point taken. It's a good one.
I'm enjoying the Substack! I too hate the term "aging gracefully," though my interpretation of it is slightly different. I've always taken it to refer specifically to women who manage to maintain youthful, conventionally attractive looks over time but without any obvious interventions. (i.e., god forbid, plastic surgery). In other words, keep it together but make it effortless and don't reveal any vanity. Separately, sorry to be a nitpicker but, respectfully, I don't think the term ultra-processed translates meaningfully from nutrition to skincare science. The ingredients in that face cream won't reverse aging, that's for sure, but they're also non-toxic, globally approved and help do things like prevent mold and bacteria growth (in the case of the preservative potassium sorbate) and create a pleasing texture (i.e., cetearyl alcohol, which isn't like rubbing alcohol but rather a fatty alcohol made from coconut or palm oil usually). -An annoying midlife chemistry/science student/skincare enthusiast (even tho I know it's all BS marketing)
Anna, thank you for correcting the chemical record. Xanthan gum is definitely ultra processed crap, so I may cling to that as a meager claim to acccuracy, but looks like you got me on the other chemicals. I appreciate the precision, as always.
I know you know this, but the larger point I was attempting to make was that, if you market your overpriced, probably ineffective "aging gracefully" elixir as "Power Cream" and then include all kinds of preservatives and other chemicals to kill bacteria, maybe it's not that powerful after all.
Thanks for reading and adding your precise thoughts. Hope the nursing is going well. And yeah, go for the MD if it suits you.
Welllll…xanthan gum is a thickener made from fermented sugars - processed yes, but not inherently bad, especially in topical form 😜 But point taken. All expensive face creams are snake oil! From the nonsense you cite here to La Mer or Augustinus Bader, they make ridiculous claims about their extremely basic, commercially produced moisturizers and play on our aging anxieties. Boo! Anyway, good stuff (the writing).
I don’t think we’re arguing! It’s an ultra processed ingredient, but my point is just that as a skincare ingredient I’m not convinced it’s harmful (or helpful), even if it isn’t great for the gut. But I’m stopping, I’m stopping.
It's interesting that this came up, as it's a topic I explored last May for a presentation I had to present on aging gracefully.
After a month of journaling, I concluded that aging gracefully means continuing to perceive life as a gift, even when your body changes in uncontrollable ways.
For me, "grace" means recognizing life as an unmerited favor or gift. This definition particularly resonated with me when thinking about aging. While I can't control wrinkles, loose skin, under-eye bags, declining muscle mass despite consistent workouts, thinning hair and eyelashes, or less supple skin and lips, I've found peace.
Sure, society offers many ways to appear youthful—Botox, extensions, fillers, and various cosmetic procedures. I'm not against these; I've even tried a few. However, I've realized that the latter half of my life could be truly extraordinary if I focused on the wisdom gained from my experiences. By shifting my focus, the uncontrollable aspects of my aging body no longer bother me or consume my thoughts or finances. This allows me to be more grateful for the gift of life as my body naturally changes.
What really matters in this life? Learning, growing, changing, and evolving. Our wisdom from this lifetime matters and it matters if we pass our wisdom along to future generations.
Therefore, the saying “aging gracefully “ doesn’t bother me. It’s just a reminder to focus on what really MATTERS.
Maybe I should start a podcast called “Aging Gracefully” 🤔 just kidding 😆
Mattering - a term I never heard but at 79, it brought to mind it's perhaps even greater importance today than it was thru out my professional career. The positions I enjoyed most were the ones where it felt like my contributions made a difference, not so much to the company but to my colleagues and clients. Move ahead to today and it's still the same. The difference is it's moved from my professional life to my social network and family. Finding people that matter to me today is absolutely essential for a healthy past decade or two
Well said, Tom. Thank you for sharing this thought. I'm pretty sure a lot of other people can relate to it.
How did you find people who matter to you? A lonely, soon-to-retire man wants to know.
Holden, I appreciate the question. How do you enjoy spending time when not working? There are surely others who have the same interests. Some activities are more social than others. For example, I like to surf, play tennis, go to book readings and movies, and shoot guns at the range. But surfing and book readings and movies aren’t amenable to meeting new people. Tennis is, but you have to try to be social. At the range, everyone wants to talk, about what they’re shooting and what you’re shooting, so it’s rather social. So you have to think about where the social vectors in your hobbies and interests may be.
Is that at all helpful?
Yes. For me, it will be volunteer trail maintenance -- which I haven't done yet. There are opportunities where I live and where I want to live.
Holden, I read your initial comment and thought about it for a bit. Social hobbies are great and important, but I'm glad you mentioned volunteering. Putting your years of skills and experience into service of others can help with the need to matter, especially once you retire.
Yes, well said, Laura. Even if you volunteer at something you're not particularly expert at, if it moves your heart, you're "mattering." I did not grow up volunteering, but when I did volunteer work as an adult, I finally understood why people who did grow up with a family volunteering culture actively seek it out as adults: the indelible, incredible and powerful need to matter, and help people in need.
So much to unpack. “Mattering matters”, thank you for saying so! As for “how to be old without being repulsive, needy, costly, or pathetic”—yikes! I’m trying, but I have no intention of going quietly or gracefully. Thank you for sharing the charming and memorable details of your family adventure—it was a joy to read.
Rachel, admittedly the phrase is a little caustic, but I intended it to grab people by the collar, so to speak
Hahaha, do it!!!
Your 3-generation adventure looks to have been amazing. I'm really happy for you that you had such a great opportunity. "About halfway through the trip, over beers one afternoon, we played a game where we imitated each other doing what annoyed us most about the other. My daughter joined in the fun. It was laugh-out-loud hilarious, and it was the steam valve we each need to trundle on together for another 10 days." Wondering how many beers my little friend E had while you played this game? :)
You might get both father and son of-the-year for this trip ... that's an impressive two-fer!
John, yes, this 3-generation Europe experience was a very special 18 days. I'm grateful for the time with my mom and my daughter, of course, but equally, that they got to spend so much time together (and, indeed, wanted to spend that much time together.) Worth all the logistical work and daily trip-guiding, etc. x100.
My new take is “aging gratefully.” 😁
You always share such poignant reflections on aging. I am sending this one to my dad.
Love this articulation of the “mattering” concept. I've known this for some time instinctually and, being a bit younger than “old”, tend to give the opportunity to “matter” to my parents and their generation. Advice, help, instead of ght, whatever. Never pandering, more just realizing that what they bring to the party can be less obvious in our youth focused culture, but if you seek it out you have a bit of a cheat code.
And they get to “matter”. Win/win.
Well said, Tom. Thx 4 reading.
Paul, thank you very much for this post. It reminded me of three vacation trips that me, my wife and our two daughters had with my parents in South Germany, Austria, Switzerland but also Toskania in Italy and French Provance. I must say I have never seen them so happy although naturally we had also some “difficult times” during our trips. But that were the peanuts. I love the part you wrote on mattering and we should remind ourselves about its importance as often as possible. Great piece on patriotism with which I couldn’t agree more. I must say I am very much down after the result of presidential election that we had in early June in Poland. What you have written resonates with me a lot. I am curious to know how your Mom reacted to visiting the city where she was born. Does the house she lived in still exist? Did she meet any of her peers?
Dariusz, thank you for your thoughtful comment. My post resonates with you, and your comment resonates with me, on multiple personal and political levels. My mom had first revisited her hometown 30 years ago (not with us along) so this was not the first time since she left as an eight year-old girl with her parents. She said she did not feel sentimental at all this time, for that reason. We visited the streets, the building, and walked up the stairs to the apartment door where she lived back then. She said she really had no interest in exploring the town because she felt as if she knew the neighborhood, from all those years ago. The old town is still old, it hasn't been recast and overdone, so there's a lot of old wood, old signs and old buildings that make it feel like it's straight out of the pre-war era.
Maybe you’re not old enough to remember the old dodge power wagon line, but Dodges power wagon goes back to 1945. Civilian adapted WC military truck (pick up).
Indeed I am not. I suspect the marketing of the power wagons of yesteryear, in both perception and intent, was different then. But point taken. It's a good one.
Mattering! What a fantastic description of the meaning of life! Excellent article. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you.
Erica, I'm glad you found it helpful. Please pass it on.
I'm enjoying the Substack! I too hate the term "aging gracefully," though my interpretation of it is slightly different. I've always taken it to refer specifically to women who manage to maintain youthful, conventionally attractive looks over time but without any obvious interventions. (i.e., god forbid, plastic surgery). In other words, keep it together but make it effortless and don't reveal any vanity. Separately, sorry to be a nitpicker but, respectfully, I don't think the term ultra-processed translates meaningfully from nutrition to skincare science. The ingredients in that face cream won't reverse aging, that's for sure, but they're also non-toxic, globally approved and help do things like prevent mold and bacteria growth (in the case of the preservative potassium sorbate) and create a pleasing texture (i.e., cetearyl alcohol, which isn't like rubbing alcohol but rather a fatty alcohol made from coconut or palm oil usually). -An annoying midlife chemistry/science student/skincare enthusiast (even tho I know it's all BS marketing)
Anna, thank you for correcting the chemical record. Xanthan gum is definitely ultra processed crap, so I may cling to that as a meager claim to acccuracy, but looks like you got me on the other chemicals. I appreciate the precision, as always.
I know you know this, but the larger point I was attempting to make was that, if you market your overpriced, probably ineffective "aging gracefully" elixir as "Power Cream" and then include all kinds of preservatives and other chemicals to kill bacteria, maybe it's not that powerful after all.
Thanks for reading and adding your precise thoughts. Hope the nursing is going well. And yeah, go for the MD if it suits you.
Welllll…xanthan gum is a thickener made from fermented sugars - processed yes, but not inherently bad, especially in topical form 😜 But point taken. All expensive face creams are snake oil! From the nonsense you cite here to La Mer or Augustinus Bader, they make ridiculous claims about their extremely basic, commercially produced moisturizers and play on our aging anxieties. Boo! Anyway, good stuff (the writing).
I’m not going to argue, too much, with a nurse in training. But, xanthan gum doesn't exist in nature and requires industrial processing to produce. So, it’s a processed ingredient that can alter the gut biome in negative ways. https://www.michiganmedicine.org/health-lab/study-helps-explain-how-xanthan-gum-common-food-additive-processed-gut
Maybe it takes away face wrinkles, tho.
I don’t think we’re arguing! It’s an ultra processed ingredient, but my point is just that as a skincare ingredient I’m not convinced it’s harmful (or helpful), even if it isn’t great for the gut. But I’m stopping, I’m stopping.
I already stopped. And, we're not arguing at all.
It's interesting that this came up, as it's a topic I explored last May for a presentation I had to present on aging gracefully.
After a month of journaling, I concluded that aging gracefully means continuing to perceive life as a gift, even when your body changes in uncontrollable ways.
For me, "grace" means recognizing life as an unmerited favor or gift. This definition particularly resonated with me when thinking about aging. While I can't control wrinkles, loose skin, under-eye bags, declining muscle mass despite consistent workouts, thinning hair and eyelashes, or less supple skin and lips, I've found peace.
Sure, society offers many ways to appear youthful—Botox, extensions, fillers, and various cosmetic procedures. I'm not against these; I've even tried a few. However, I've realized that the latter half of my life could be truly extraordinary if I focused on the wisdom gained from my experiences. By shifting my focus, the uncontrollable aspects of my aging body no longer bother me or consume my thoughts or finances. This allows me to be more grateful for the gift of life as my body naturally changes.
What really matters in this life? Learning, growing, changing, and evolving. Our wisdom from this lifetime matters and it matters if we pass our wisdom along to future generations.
Therefore, the saying “aging gracefully “ doesn’t bother me. It’s just a reminder to focus on what really MATTERS.
Maybe I should start a podcast called “Aging Gracefully” 🤔 just kidding 😆