Why do I find this topic so difficult to write about? I’ve been so slow putting together a post — almost two weeks! Dude, what is the problem? You gotta be better….
AUDIO TRANSCRIPT:
That’s a small sample of my weekly, internal negative self-talk, a habit that I know is not exclusive to me. Which is why I decided to write about the profound need in our society for self-forgiveness.
Doesn’t matter if you’re in Indiana, Indonesia, Iceland or the Republic of Congo (AGING with STRENGTH subscribers now span all 50 states and 82 91 countries, by the way, including Iceland and Congo). Almost all of us very much need to build more self-forgiveness into our lives.
And before I get into it, I’m pretty sure some people reading this are already thinking, “Nope.” This subject doesn’t apply to them and, maybe, that self-forgiveness is just whinging; a solution in search of a problem; namby-pamby fodder for emotional snowflakes.
On which I respectfully call bullshit. This topic is a pathway to greater strength, not weakness, and I’ll explain why. Not everyone needs a psychoanalytic intervention here, but almost every person I know, and who you know, I’m guessing, could benefit from taking a minute to consider how minor acts of self-forgiveness — some people prefer the term self-compassion — can make them stronger in life’s all-important second half.
Speaking of stronger, in case you missed the latest #WorkoutWednesday:
Actually, I don’t need to guess. In planning out this post, I asked 11 women and men whose opinions I value what they thought of self-forgiveness and its place in their lives. Here’s what they said.
Whatever the name you give it, self-forgiveness is indisputably one of the most powerful and effective tools in the “healthy aging” toolbox. And yet, for me and many others over 45 (in my case, more than a decade over), it’s also a really hard habit to build.
It’s hard because it requires digging into rather uncomfortable, inconvenient truths about how we think about ourselves. Here’s one about me that I realized only this week: The great value that I’ve always placed on humility, and the Stoic notion of not celebrating oneself, often interferes with my ability to absolve myself for mistakes, small or large.
It’s so easy to just continue to be too hard on yourself.
Self-forgiveness for greater healthspan and longevity
It’s time we began confronting this behavior that works so strongly against our long-term health and our mental and emotional prosperity. Most of us need to show more self-forgiveness, self-compassion.
Why do I say need?
Because, at midlife or older, we all want to go into the home stretch with strong brains and strong hearts, to match our hopefully strong bodies. And the science is quite clear: Higher levels of self-forgiveness “serve as a shield against several disorders including depression, anxiety, and PTSD.”
As we age into the second half of life — which should be a very active, radiant, creative and bold second half — we have to develop strength in several forms. Building muscles is nice, and necessary, but right up there with with physical strength is the parallel requirement to also grow emotionally stronger. It’s a non-negotiable need of older adulthood.
Two kinds of self-forgiveness, defined
Self-forgiveness is the process of acknowledging and then releasing negative emotions like guilt, shame or regret from past mistakes or bad behavior and adopting a more compassionate and understanding attitude toward oneself.
And here I’d like to distinguish between what I think are at least two very different kinds of necessary self-forgiveness. Call them Tier 1 and Tier 2:
Tier 1 self-forgiveness addresses either profound, deep-rooted feelings like inadequacy, unlovability or trauma that go back to childhood, or more contemporary shame and guilt for something we’ve done to someone else.
Tier 2 self-forgiveness is much more mundane, common and — speaking for myself here — embarrassingly dumb. This is the kind of self-forgiveness that I’m least good at, because the causes of it are routine daily mistakes or flubs that I have the bad habit of getting down on myself about:
for dropping a spoonful of yogurt on the kitchen floor
for failing to call into a meeting that I forgot to put on my calendar
for not waking up early to write…again
I should be able to forgive myself for these small failures, and yet I find myself in an almost daily routine of loitering in the mental sewage of these small mistakes. (What’s that about?) Maybe this is unique to me. I’d be interested if any of you experience anything similar.
(I hope you’ll leave a comment on this post, regardless.)
And that leads to one of the great insights I had while researching self-forgiveness, which is that it arises from the cognitive dissonance we experience when our actions don’t reflect our beliefs, such as:
“Spilling food, or missing a meeting, or sleeping in is unacceptable.”
Or, if we’re talking about the more deep-rooted, childhood-based feelings of blame:
“Not staying in shape, or failing to make my partner happy, or losing my job is unacceptable.”
But for anyone in midlife or older, unacceptable behavior would include not addressing the inability to create a path to absolve yourself for your failures. Megan Feldman Bettencourt, who wrote a book on forgiveness, says your health and well-being are at stake.
“Guilt and self-blame result in a stress response,” she told me in an interview. “What that means is stress chemicals flooding our brain and over time making us at risk for anxiety and depression” as well as physical illnesses like high blood pressure. “Stress is toxic,” she said. “When you’re continuously beating yourself up about something or even talking to yourself with critical language, the impact is similar to being abused by someone who’s being critical of us.”
How to get better at self-forgiveness
So how can we be better at self-compassion and forgiveness? I’ll briefly suggest two ways, one of which is ridiculously simple; the other is for those of you who want a more detailed, research-based prescription.
The ‘Quick Start Guide to Self-Forgiveness’
One of the epiphanies of self-forgiveness I learned this week is that all it requires is treating ourselves with the same compassion and grace that we would give to a friend or family member. Put another way: instead of hammering your shortcomings in an infinite loop, reboot! by consciously holding yourself to the lower, more reasonable standard that you’d expect anyone else who isn’t you to meet.
That’s the Quick Start Guide to Self-Forgiveness. I think that’s a good way to address my particular Tier 2 issues with those minor, daily screw-ups around which I’ve developed a negative talk track.
And if you take only one thing away from this post, I hope its this incredibly important need to treat ourselves as humanely as we would our best friend.
Actions that build self-compassion
If you’d prefer a more in-depth approach to developing long-term self-compassion, here are four actions that Ms. Feldman Bettencourt recommends practicing regularly:
Admit your major failures. If you’ve wronged someone else, acknowledge that to them, apologize and explain why it won’t happen again. You won’t forgive yourself until you ask the other person to.
Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the respect you would give a loved one.
Recognize what you’ve done well. Take the time and words, if only spoken to yourself, to celebrate your achievements.
Practice regular self-care through what makes you feel well: exercise, time in nature, getting a massage or watching the big playoff game; whatever brings you joy.
Aging with emotional strength is harder than it seems. But it’s worth the effort. I’ll leave you with these six very good questions we should all be asking ourselves:
Share this post